We Don’t Want a Solution
It has taken me decades to learn this piece of wisdom, but it has made a world of difference!
Don’t get me wrong -- of course we want to solve our problems! But hear me out…
I’ll illustrate with a story from just yesterday. I was experimenting with an AI feature and the responses I got back weren’t as amazing as I hoped. It was frustrating. I typed in a detailed set of prompts and then held my breath. With surprising speed, it came back with something predictable. Well, I could have written that. Rats!
Just then my husband, Robert, stopped by my office on the way to the coffee pot - one of the benefits of both of us working from home.
‘What’s wrong?” he asked, noticing my facial expression.
With a deep sigh, I replied. “This AI is not working right!”
That’s when it happened. He put down his cup and told me to get up. He was ready to solve my problem - eager to share what he has learned. Before I could protest, he had his fingers on my keyboard ready to type in a better prompt.
How many times does this happen in life?
How many times do we feel misunderstood when someone tries to solve our problems?
The unspoken communication is, “Oh you poor thing. You can’t solve your own problem. I’ll rescue you! I have the solution you need!”
The truth is that we want to solve our own problems, right? When we share problems with our family, friends, and colleagues, we’re usually not looking for solutions. We’re usually looking for two things: We’re looking for empathy [“Oh no!” “That’s hard!” Or “How difficult!”] AND we’re looking for clarity.
Sometimes we can’t see our own solution because we are entangled in the self-judgements and emotions of the situation. That’s when empathy helps lift the emotional load and clarity gives us a path forward. But clarity doesn’t come from someone handing us a solution. Clarity comes from us digging deeper into the problem.
A powerful question can bring clarity so that we can solve our own problems.
Our Joyful Inclusion Team understands that teachers and leaders don’t want US to solve their problems. We also know that we CAN’T solve their problems.
We empower them to find clarity with powerful coaching questions like:
What kind of support do you need from me right now?
Which students surpassed your expectations during that learning activity? Which ones needed something else?
What is the worst part of this situation? The best part?
What would be an ideal outcome?
What’s stopping you from following your heart/your instinct?
I’m grateful to Robert for reminding me that people want to solve their own problems. They’re not looking to us for solutions!
Speaking of solving your own problems… We are designing a brand new course for Special Education Leaders packed with empowerment and skills to solve their biggest problems.
Watch for our announcement in December!
