Parents’ Rules
Parents Play by Different Rules
This is a reprint of a column I published in DCDT Network, May 2005.
I have been thinking about the phenomenon in school culture we call “problem parents.” These are the parents who advocate for their children, who inform themselves, who demand services or programs outside normal procedures.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the long road ahead for our students. We have to equip all of them, but especially those with disabilities, with the tools they will need to travel that road. We won’t always be at their side and neither will their parents. We have to use long term thinking – much longer than How can I help him complete this assignment? or How can I improve his math scores on the state test?
The commonly held belief in the faculty room is that being a “problem parent” is negative. We want them to play by our rules and not cause us problems. Yet, we all know that there wouldn’t be a special education law if it weren’t for problem parents who demanded more.
Now, as a professional and a parent of two youths with disabilities, I am in a bind. Valuing collaboration and compromise, I don’t want my colleagues to think I’m a problem. I know all the rules that professionals play by. I know we have to try some interventions and document that they don’t work before we can provide the next level of service. I know the local procedures for implementing special education services. In this awareness, my hands are tied as an advocate. I am pulled to go along with their procedures and predictable strategies.
Last week a friend who is a parent and a professional called me for support, and I could clearly see the dilemma that had been troubling me. I advised her that parents don’t have to play by the rules. When you go to the IEP team for your daughter, you should set aside the rules that professionals play by. Instead, you should use your common-sense, heart-felt commitment to your daughter. You should ask for what she needs and let the professionals worry about the rules. After all, you’re the parent and the only person whose main role is as her advocate. In advising her, I gave myself permission too.
How about you? Do you expect parents to play by our rules? Are they really “problem parents?”
